We recently had the chance to connect with Dr. Anna Elton and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Anna, thank you for taking the time to reflect back on your journey with us. I think our readers are in for a real treat. There is so much we can all learn from each other and so thank you again for opening up with us. Let’s get into it: What makes you lose track of time—and find yourself again?
When I’m writing, I lose all sense of time. Hours pass and I don’t notice. There’s something about being immersed in ideas, shaping language, and following a question wherever it leads that pulls me completely in. I’m studying data, reading studies, thinking about couples and clients, and at the same time learning something about myself.
Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
I’m Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist. My work focuses on desire, intimacy, and connection in long-term relationships, especially why couples who love each other can still feel distant, disconnected, or sexually out of sync.
Over the past several years, working with hundreds of couples, I began to see clear patterns. Most relationships do not fall apart because love disappears. They drift because attention shifts, stress accumulates, and small moments of disconnection reshape the emotional climate. That insight led me to develop what I call the Formula of Desire, along with practical tools like the Relational Desire Score, which functions much like a credit score for the health of a relationship, and the Currency of Desire framework, which explains how attraction shifts even when commitment remains.
What makes my work unique is the integration of science and practicality. I draw from research in attachment, neuroscience, and relational psychology, but I translate it into language and tools couples can actually use. I am currently preparing for the release of my upcoming book, The Formula of Desire, and expanding interactive assessments and resources that help couples understand where they are and how to move toward emotional and physical connection.
Amazing, so let’s take a moment to go back in time. What relationship most shaped how you see yourself?
The relationship that most shaped how I see myself is the one with my husband. We met in high school, which means we have truly grown up together. Nearly twenty-five years and three kids later, we’ve lived through early careers, sleep deprivation, ambition, stress, and all the ordinary chaos that life brings.
Being a relationship and sex therapist married for that long is both helpful and slightly dangerous. I can’t exactly recommend something to couples and then refuse to try it at home. If I suggest a weekly check-in, we’re having one. If I talk about flirting more, I’d better be flirting. I genuinely love experiments, especially the ones that promise better intimacy or deeper connection. My husband sometimes jokes that he’s married to both me and my research.
Was there ever a time you almost gave up?
Yes. Absolutely. I’m incredibly proud to be releasing The Formula of Desire (August 2026, New Harbinger), available for pre-order now. But was the road smooth? Not exactly.
There were plenty of moments when I wanted to give up. Traditional publishing is not for the faint of heart. To get published, you first need a literary agent. The odds of securing one are extremely slim. Roughly 1 in 6,000 authors get signed. And even after you get an agent, there is no guarantee a publisher will offer a book deal. Then comes the part most people don’t realize. In nonfiction, you sell the idea first. You don’t write the full manuscript until after the deal is signed. Once you finally secure a contract, the real work begins. You still have to write the book.
There were more than enough moments when I thought, “Why am I doing this again?” It was a two-year journey from proposal to finished manuscript, filled with revisions, waiting, edits, more waiting, and plenty of second-guessing. But I try to have fun, even in the middle of the hard parts. If I’m going to spend years building something, I want to enjoy at least some of it.
Alright, so if you are open to it, let’s explore some philosophical questions that touch on your values and worldview. What are the biggest lies your industry tells itself?
One of the biggest lies my industry, and really our culture, tells itself is this: if there is love, there will automatically be desire, as if attraction should run on autopilot forever and intimacy should be effortless. That simply is not how long-term relationships work. We are sold the happily-ever-after dream. We are told that if you find the right person, chemistry will sustain itself. If desire fades, something must be wrong. Maybe you chose the wrong partner or maybe you are incompatible.
In my work, I see something very different. I see couples who love each other and still struggle with desire. I see people who are committed, loyal, and caring, yet feel disconnected physically or emotionally. Love and desire are related, but they are not the same thing. Desire requires attention, novelty, safety, self-awareness, and energy. And most importantly, it requires intention.
Okay, so let’s keep going with one more question that means a lot to us: What will you regret not doing?
To be honest, I try not to live with many “what ifs.” If something matters to me, I go after it, even when it feels big, inconvenient, or slightly impossible. I have learned that most goals look overwhelming from the outside, whether it is writing a book, building a practice, or starting a new project. They rarely feel realistic at the beginning. But I would rather try and adjust than sit still and wonder. If something is not working, I do not see it as failure. I see it as experience and an opportunity to learn. I can always step back, revise the plan, and change the strategy. What I would regret is not attempting the thing in the first place and letting fear make the decision for me.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.theformulaofdesire.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drannaelton
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/annaelton/
- Twitter: https://x.com/drannaelton
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drannaelton
Image Credits
Photo: Carlos Velez
